This is Me

So I was in the middle of the gym this evening on the Arc Trainer talking to one of my closest friends and just crying my eyes out. In the middle of the gym. Not joking. I didn't even care though. God was doing something in me and that's all that mattered. I realized in talking to her tonight something that I didn't want to admit to myself. I have feelings for someone, but that's not what I needed to focus on, it was what I was dealing with because of my feelings for someone. When I got out of my relationship at the beginning of last year I thought "This is it. I don't want to deal with men anymore. I'm done with these stupid feelings. It's just you and me now God." Now I am closer with God than I have ever been and I'm thankful for that. So when these feelings started cropping up I did everything I could to just ignore them. I distracted myself by pretending to be interested in other guys. I told myself that the feelings would eventually go away. I did everything but confront the feelings and hand them over to God. It all boiled down to that I am scared. I'm scared of being hurt again. I'm scared of caring for a man again and dealing with all of the heart ache that comes with a broken heart. I'm scared of rejection because I'm not a virgin, I can't have my own children and I have all of these medical issues. Fear. It all came down to that one little word. Well it's a big word metaphorically. I kept allowing the enemy to whisper in my ear that no guy would ever love me again. That as comfortable as I am with myself, no one else ever would be. I don't know how to flirt anymore. I don't know how to let a guy know that I'm interested without pursuing him. In the past all I've always been the one to pursue. I just felt hopeless about the whole situation. I have been having a pity party to say the least. In talking with my friend I came to so many realizations. First, that God loves me just where I am. He has always loved me. He will always love me more than any man ever could and if the King above all Kings loves me that much...then there has to be a man here on earth that is meant to love me too. I'm also done. I'm done condemning myself. I have made mistakes. Plenty of mistakes. SO many mistakes, but holding onto the mistakes is going to get me nowhere fast. I started looking at all of the good that God created from my past. He reminded me that He can turn anything that seems bad into good...for my own good. Last of all, I'm going to lay these feelings that I have down to God. I'm done trying to hide from them and I'm done trying to control the situation. If it's supposed to happen with this person then they will be listening to God as well. Wow. Realizing all of this. What a release! What a relief! Just know that those of you struggling with the same issues. You are not alone! A wonderful and amazing Jesus is right there with you. There are others struggling with this right along with you. This struggle will not have victory though. The enemy never has victory. Our Yaweh, our Shepherd, our Redeemer, He has the victory. So I say amen to that.

"Yeah I have my addictions
I keep my share of secrets
And things you'll never see
Mmm I get selfish and defensive
And pay too much attention to my insecurity

Though I
I'm just like everybody else
I try to love Jesus and myself, yeah yeah
I don't know what you believe
Or what you think of what you see
But this is a part of me yeah
What I do and who I am
All of my impurities oh
Are right here on my sleeve
This is me
This is me

Yes my heart breaks for the homeless
I worry about my parents
And all my bills are late
Yeah I, I'm dealing with the changes
Of this complicated strangeness
Of seeing life this way

Hey yeah I
I'm just like everybody else
I try, Lord I try to love Jesus and myself, yeah yeah
I don't know what you believe
Or what you think of what you see
But this is a part of me yeah
Of what I do and who I am
All of my impurities
Are right here on my sleeve
This is me yeah
This is me
Wo... yeah yeah, yeah

I laugh at silly movies
Tear up when I see babies
And I'm stubborn as a stone
Yeah I
I criticize my body
I wonder if I'm ready to ever be alone
Oh I
I'm just like everybody else
I cry yes I cry just like everybody else yeah yeah yeah
I don't know what you believe
Or what you think of what you see
But this is a part of me
Of what I do and who I am
All of my impurities
Are right here on my sleeve
This is me
Oh this is me
Oh this is me
I'm gonna celebrate it
I'm gonna celebrate it
Don't be afraid who you are
Celebrate who you are
What you do, what you feel, what you see, who you are
Celebrate, celebrate
This is just me
I'm not afraid, I'm not ashamed
This is me"

This is Me by Faith Hill