Broken

A person can easily become something they are not meant to be. A year ago I was someone completely different. I take all of the blame because I allowed myself to become that way. I sucked myself into a black hole. I isolated myself from most people because I felt I had nothing to offer as a person. I think that is why I am now trying to compensate for that. I'm striving to get people to like me. I'm striving for acceptance. That's not something any person should have to do. Yet, I know a lot of people who long for acceptance. In fact in some form I don't know anybody who doesn't want acceptance from somewhere. I've just looked for it in the wrong areas. Something that I should seek for from God I've sought for from other people. I'm not talking about just men. I'm talking about people in general. I want people to like me. I don't want to be popular. I don't want to be famous. I want to be loved, but more and more every day I'm coming to the realization that I am already loved. I have always been loved. Acceptance shouldn't come from the outside. It should come from the inside. Our father above loves us. He loves us so unconditionally. He loves me so unconditionally that it often makes me weep. It's the kind of love that I've known all of my life but refused to accept because I felt I didn't deserve it. I still don't deserve it, but I accept it now anyway because without it I am nothing. I am wanted. I am fought for. I can be vulnerable with God. I can be weak with Him. I can be joyful with Him. I can be everything that I am and He is completely okay with that. In fact He wants it. He wants all of me. No matter how broken I may feel. No matter how small and insignificant. He wants every little piece. When I first became a Christian 10 years ago I thought I knew what that meant. It took me actually falling apart to realize what broken really means. It's not something that God wanted for me, it's what I caused myself. I don't blame anyone but myself. Now I'm in the process of forgiving myself. I'm in the process of letting go of my past. It wasn't this horrible past. I don't feel sorry for myself. I know so many others who have such horrible pasts. Pasts that I can't even imagine. So I am able to let go because I realize my past was in fact a blessing. A blessing because I now appreciate my relationship with God so much more. He didn't have to, but He made me whole once again.

"I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart
that's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you"
~Broken by Lifehouse