Fly

So I watched this movie tonight called Liberal Arts. It has Josh Radnor in it, you know the guy who plays Ted on How I Met Your Mother. And yes I did find this movie because I looked up his name on IMDB and yes he is the only reason I purchased this movie. I had no idea what it would be about except I saw the words romantic and comedy. I was sold. So the movie is about a 35 year old man sort of trying to find out his place in life. He visits his college alma mater. He flirts with a 19 year old (don’t worry, nothing happens but a little kiss and then he realizes that it’s all wrong, sorry to spoil that part but I want people to see this movie because it is REALLY good). Eventually he realizes that growing old can be a pretty good thing. Oddly enough since this is something I have been struggling with(I’m not old by any means, and those of you who are older than me are not old either!) it got me to thinking (I feel like that is something my grandfather would say, just wanted to throw that in there). The point is that you create this time line for your life. You think I’ll have done this by the time I reach point A and this by point B. That is just not how it works (spoiler again I know). Who actually knows how long each of us will live. I heard a quote in this movie by this guy who says that he still feels stuck at 19. No matter how old he gets, he always feels 19. I think that’s true for all of us. I watch my grandparents and I see in their hearts there is this part of them that constantly feels “19.” Maybe there is a part of us that needs to remain that 19 year old. We think we know everything. We are finally adults, but we don’t feel like we are too old to be cool anymore because we haven’t hit 20. It’s a weird age. I feel like I am a little stuck on 19 at times. Not because I’m old, but because we are always trying to figure ourselves out. At least I like to hope that I’m still growing and figuring myself out day by day. What is it those youngins say? Y.O.L.O. (You Only Live Once for those of you out there like me who didn’t know what this meant until a few months ago, you can judge me a little for using this by the way, I would probably judge me a little too). Anyway, I’m not saying I want to go back to 19 again, but I also want to stop worrying about life so much. I had just become a Christian at about 19 and all I had to do then was love God...and maybe some school work was thrown in there too. These days it seems that worry piles upon itself every day. I worry about finances. I worry about meeting a man. I worry about whether or not people will accept me for who I am. Worry, worry and more worry. Why? I mean really worrying has no point to it. Absolutely none. It’s just that monkey wrench thrown into the gears to prevent them from moving. So my goal this year? Stop worrying and allow a little more of that 19 year old out. Well, the mature part of the 19 year old anyway.

“Fly” by Ludovico Einaudi

Send Angels

Sometimes it is hard to remember I'm not alone. As a Christian it is inherently known that God is always with us. I know that in my head and most of the time in my heart. Sometimes though...sometimes I feel very lonely. I'll start this off by saying that I love taking care of my grandmother. I love her so much, but there are times when I feel drained. There are morning when I wake up to take her to her hair appointment once a week and I just don't want to. I wake up with no patience and I find myself acting irritable towards her. I feel like this horrible granddaughter because I'm losing patience with a woman who has always been there for me. Now let me state again. She is an amazing woman, but she can also be the most stubborn woman. It feels good to get that off my chest. I know I might be judge right now, but I also know God knows my heart. He knows how much I care for her. He knows and sees all of the things I deal with in taking care of her that other people don't see. More than that, during this season in my life, I'm learning to lean on God more. I can see and feel how much God surrounds me on the days when I just want to break down. When I think "I just can't do this anymore by myself." I remember that God is always with me. I remember that He sends His angels to watch over us constantly. That the Holy spirit is inside of me to guide me and to bring out the patience in me. He gives new mercy every morning. He gives me the perspective every day so that I know I am not alone.

"Send angels
Send angels
Send angels
Show me you love me"

Send Angels by Plumb

Light it Up

I feel as if a number of us are confused about where life is taking us or where God is taking us. Trust me I'm speaking to myself on this issue as well. When I moved  down here about a year ago I had absolutely no idea what God had planned for me. Now that I am into a routine I keep asking God what He wants me to do next. I mean, I understand that I am meant to take care of my grandmother during this season in my life. I'm perfectly content with that. I just keep wondering if that is it for right now. I know God has more for me. I'm not talking about more as in becoming well known or anything of that sort. I just know there is more in this life for me. At least I hope so. I would love to travel. Ireland, Spain, France, England, Italy...everywhere I am able to. I would also love to go to Africa, but I feel like Africa may not be in the cards until I'm ready to adopt. I want to adopt my first child from there. I want to adopt within the United States as well because I know there are many children from here who also needs homes. I've just always had this feeling that somewhere in Africa at some point there will be a child that needs my love. Maybe more than one child. Who knows what God has planned? And that's my point. I don't know the future. I'm not meant to worry about the future. I'm not even meant to worry about now. I should instead continue to give that worry over to God. We are never alone in the decisions we make with our life. If we include God in everything we do then those decisions will change our lives forever. Those decisions will changes the lives of others forever as well. God knows where He wants us to be and as long as we let out own control go we will get there.

"Light it up and let it go
Don't you see that you are not alone
Light it up and watch it fly
Cause you can go anywhere you want tonight"

Light it Up by For King and Country

This is Me

So I was in the middle of the gym this evening on the Arc Trainer talking to one of my closest friends and just crying my eyes out. In the middle of the gym. Not joking. I didn't even care though. God was doing something in me and that's all that mattered. I realized in talking to her tonight something that I didn't want to admit to myself. I have feelings for someone, but that's not what I needed to focus on, it was what I was dealing with because of my feelings for someone. When I got out of my relationship at the beginning of last year I thought "This is it. I don't want to deal with men anymore. I'm done with these stupid feelings. It's just you and me now God." Now I am closer with God than I have ever been and I'm thankful for that. So when these feelings started cropping up I did everything I could to just ignore them. I distracted myself by pretending to be interested in other guys. I told myself that the feelings would eventually go away. I did everything but confront the feelings and hand them over to God. It all boiled down to that I am scared. I'm scared of being hurt again. I'm scared of caring for a man again and dealing with all of the heart ache that comes with a broken heart. I'm scared of rejection because I'm not a virgin, I can't have my own children and I have all of these medical issues. Fear. It all came down to that one little word. Well it's a big word metaphorically. I kept allowing the enemy to whisper in my ear that no guy would ever love me again. That as comfortable as I am with myself, no one else ever would be. I don't know how to flirt anymore. I don't know how to let a guy know that I'm interested without pursuing him. In the past all I've always been the one to pursue. I just felt hopeless about the whole situation. I have been having a pity party to say the least. In talking with my friend I came to so many realizations. First, that God loves me just where I am. He has always loved me. He will always love me more than any man ever could and if the King above all Kings loves me that much...then there has to be a man here on earth that is meant to love me too. I'm also done. I'm done condemning myself. I have made mistakes. Plenty of mistakes. SO many mistakes, but holding onto the mistakes is going to get me nowhere fast. I started looking at all of the good that God created from my past. He reminded me that He can turn anything that seems bad into good...for my own good. Last of all, I'm going to lay these feelings that I have down to God. I'm done trying to hide from them and I'm done trying to control the situation. If it's supposed to happen with this person then they will be listening to God as well. Wow. Realizing all of this. What a release! What a relief! Just know that those of you struggling with the same issues. You are not alone! A wonderful and amazing Jesus is right there with you. There are others struggling with this right along with you. This struggle will not have victory though. The enemy never has victory. Our Yaweh, our Shepherd, our Redeemer, He has the victory. So I say amen to that.

"Yeah I have my addictions
I keep my share of secrets
And things you'll never see
Mmm I get selfish and defensive
And pay too much attention to my insecurity

Though I
I'm just like everybody else
I try to love Jesus and myself, yeah yeah
I don't know what you believe
Or what you think of what you see
But this is a part of me yeah
What I do and who I am
All of my impurities oh
Are right here on my sleeve
This is me
This is me

Yes my heart breaks for the homeless
I worry about my parents
And all my bills are late
Yeah I, I'm dealing with the changes
Of this complicated strangeness
Of seeing life this way

Hey yeah I
I'm just like everybody else
I try, Lord I try to love Jesus and myself, yeah yeah
I don't know what you believe
Or what you think of what you see
But this is a part of me yeah
Of what I do and who I am
All of my impurities
Are right here on my sleeve
This is me yeah
This is me
Wo... yeah yeah, yeah

I laugh at silly movies
Tear up when I see babies
And I'm stubborn as a stone
Yeah I
I criticize my body
I wonder if I'm ready to ever be alone
Oh I
I'm just like everybody else
I cry yes I cry just like everybody else yeah yeah yeah
I don't know what you believe
Or what you think of what you see
But this is a part of me
Of what I do and who I am
All of my impurities
Are right here on my sleeve
This is me
Oh this is me
Oh this is me
I'm gonna celebrate it
I'm gonna celebrate it
Don't be afraid who you are
Celebrate who you are
What you do, what you feel, what you see, who you are
Celebrate, celebrate
This is just me
I'm not afraid, I'm not ashamed
This is me"

This is Me by Faith Hill

Everything Has Changed

I am not desperate and I will not settle. I'm writing this as a woman who knows that I want the man of God you are continuing to become. I don't know who you are going to be, but I pray for you constantly. All I can trust as that God has you in His hands. He is molding you into someone who will be my partner. Someone who will stand beside me. Life is no fairytale. I'm not longing for a happy ending because I know that will only truly happen when I make it to heaven. I'm looking forward to a life with someone who understands that. Who understands that this earth is only the beginning. And I'm scared. I'm so scared that there isn't that person out there. There are so many things that I lack. I can't have my own children, but I want kids. I love kids. I want someone who is okay with that. Who will want to adopt children. Children who would otherwise never have homes. I want a man who won't hold it against me that I can't have children. Who will accept me as a woman who wants to be a mother to the otherwise motherless. I'm okay with this, in fact I'm great with this. But will you be great with it too? I'm scared that you won't be. As a woman today it's not okay to appear weak or vulnerable, but I am who I am. God has made me this way. I laugh loudly and I'm just loud in general. I want someone who isn't embarrassed of who I am. I'm working on me. I'm working on becoming quieter. I'm working on listening more. There is plenty I'm working on and there always will be. I just know the man I will end up with will accept me for who I am now and will continue to accept me. I will always be quirky. I will always have dreams. Crazy passions of the heart. Like writing and finishing this book. I dance and humm constantly because there is always a joy in my soul now. I appreciate that I am free through God and I won't hide that joy. I encourage those around me because God's love is so very much alive inside of me. I just want others to know that love. I want to own so many dogs. My dog now is my best friend. She's been a pillow when I've cried and a friend who has always listened. I know that you will understand that. I have what may seem a silly love for elephants because they are loyal and compassionate to their herd. They don't forget that love for one another and they carry it around with them everywhere. I want to be like that. I don't ever want to forget the love that God has for me. I want to constantly carry it around like the elephants do. I want to go to africa. I want to help people. I want to love on people. I love to encourage everyone and anyone. That's just who I am. I'm also prideful. I'm working on that too. I talk to much and I tend to have a hard time focusing. Believe me I know my flaws and I'm harder on myself than anyone possibly ever could be. I have come to love me though because I know God loves me. If He can love me despite all of my sins and imperfections then I know it's okay to love me. I need to get this off of my chest because I know there are so many other women who struggle with this. We all struggle with waiting. But I will wait for you. I have no problem with waiting for you because I know if I wait that you are going to be amazing. So I'm waiting and I'm okay with that, but at the same time...I already miss you. Is that wrong? I don't think it is.

"All I know is we said hello
and your eyes look like coming home
all I know is a simple thing
Everything has changed
All I know is you held the door
and you'll be mine and I'll be yours
And all I know since yesterday
is everything has changed

come back and tell me why
I'm feeling like I've missed you all this time
and meet me there tonight
and let me know that it's not all in my mind"

Taylor Swift Ft. Ed Sheeran "Everything Has Changed"

Broken

A person can easily become something they are not meant to be. A year ago I was someone completely different. I take all of the blame because I allowed myself to become that way. I sucked myself into a black hole. I isolated myself from most people because I felt I had nothing to offer as a person. I think that is why I am now trying to compensate for that. I'm striving to get people to like me. I'm striving for acceptance. That's not something any person should have to do. Yet, I know a lot of people who long for acceptance. In fact in some form I don't know anybody who doesn't want acceptance from somewhere. I've just looked for it in the wrong areas. Something that I should seek for from God I've sought for from other people. I'm not talking about just men. I'm talking about people in general. I want people to like me. I don't want to be popular. I don't want to be famous. I want to be loved, but more and more every day I'm coming to the realization that I am already loved. I have always been loved. Acceptance shouldn't come from the outside. It should come from the inside. Our father above loves us. He loves us so unconditionally. He loves me so unconditionally that it often makes me weep. It's the kind of love that I've known all of my life but refused to accept because I felt I didn't deserve it. I still don't deserve it, but I accept it now anyway because without it I am nothing. I am wanted. I am fought for. I can be vulnerable with God. I can be weak with Him. I can be joyful with Him. I can be everything that I am and He is completely okay with that. In fact He wants it. He wants all of me. No matter how broken I may feel. No matter how small and insignificant. He wants every little piece. When I first became a Christian 10 years ago I thought I knew what that meant. It took me actually falling apart to realize what broken really means. It's not something that God wanted for me, it's what I caused myself. I don't blame anyone but myself. Now I'm in the process of forgiving myself. I'm in the process of letting go of my past. It wasn't this horrible past. I don't feel sorry for myself. I know so many others who have such horrible pasts. Pasts that I can't even imagine. So I am able to let go because I realize my past was in fact a blessing. A blessing because I now appreciate my relationship with God so much more. He didn't have to, but He made me whole once again.

"I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart
that's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you"
~Broken by Lifehouse

Rising

What was I once?

But a little girl with nothing to lose

Everything was set before

bright and gleaming

Untouched by the enemy

I could feel my dreams

And know they were real

I knew what I knew

And nobody could stop me

Then I began to break apart

the pieces of myself

Allowed myself to shatter

and become isolated

A heart that could no longer love myself

or anyone around me

A selfish depression

that’s all I remember it as now

A ‘lay in bed all’ period of time

with no purpose

and I thought

well I thought ‘this is it’

I knew I would never take my own life

There seemed no point in it at the time

because I felt that even that

which seemed an ultimate escape

would be no escape at all

just a void

a black hole

That would continue to suck me dry

Then I remember the words of love

Written upon all of those pages

The words I had known before

but forgotten

As if a cloud covered over that part of my mind

I remembered the words of love

written across those pages

across my heart

I had stopped fighting

but Love never stopped fighting for me

Instead Love knelt over my bed every night

Love prayed for that tiny step of faith

and when I finally took that step

Love was there to carry me the rest of the way

I am now more than I used to be

Every morning I am more

Love has turned me into a Phoenix

Rising from my own ashes

And into the glory of the Son

I used to believe

I used to believe that dreams were of my own making. That I could do as I pleased without any consequence to my actions. I wanted to be famous. Not for singing or acting, but famous behind the scenes. Someone who made things happen. Then one day I was hit by a love so overwhelming that my whole perspective on things changed. A love so complete that I would never feel parts of myself missing ever again. I no longer want control of my future. I want this amazing love that has changed my life forever to take ahold of it and make it into something I could not possibly have known when I first started my journey. I am not a person of words or a person of great wisdom. I may not be significant in the eyes of this world, but I am significant to Him. Thank you for carrying me out of the ashes that I buried myself in for so long. Thank you for holding my hand when all I felt was alone. Thank you for breathing life into me when all I wanted was death. Thank you for your Son whose spirit forever dwells inside of me. Thank you for the chance that I have been allowed to love others and to be loved in return. Even as these tears stream down my face. They are tears of joy and excitement about my future. A future with no limits because of your grace. I love you my Jesus and my heart will never be the same. Ever. Thank you.